Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   preparing for next Halloween..... Just ordered a pinata costume for his wife and enough sticks for all the kids in the neighborhood.

   I started doing one of those 10,000 piece puzzles last night and it only took me an hour to flip the table over and start drinking hard liquor.

   I was having a fantastic nap on the way to work this morning, until some inconsiderate ba$tard decided to bounce off my windshield.

   Before you try to change others, remember how hard it is to change yourself.

   Talking to your ex about your past relationship with them is like logging back on to MySpace. Once you've logged in, you will instantly realize why you left in the first place.

   No regrets when speaking what's on your mind !

   Guys that take Yoga classes need their man card taken away and shoved up their ass. Oh, nevermind... they'd probably just bend over and pick it out with their teeth.

   You never realize what you have till its gone... Toilet paper is a good example.

   Dear Google, I successfully received the 5 notifications, 18 emails, and 6 popups about your changed privacy policy. Please send more.

   I'm feeling lucky to still have enough room in my head for all the things that shouldn't come out of my mouth.

   I just read a list of "100 things to do before you die." I'm surprised "yell for help" didn't make the list.

   I don't trust this 'would you like cash back' bullsh!t. I'm trying to give you my money, but you're also trying to give me my money? Weird.

   I gave a homeless lady $5. Friend said I shouldn't because the lady will only buy booze with it. I said So? That's what I'd buy too. You'd have to be pretty drunk to sleep on the concrete.

   I'll call it a "smart phone" the day I yell, "Where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers, "I'm here! Under your jacket!"

   Manslaughter: The sound a man makes when laughing.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Experience is cruel ! It gives the test before the lesson !