Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   am I the only one after hitting my head when getting up, even though I know what I hit it on, I have to stare at it with a dirty look?

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   "Son, are you gay?" - No, i´m a princess.

   so surprised I dont see more homeless people wearing bowling shoes..

   walmart..where theres more skin tags than price tags

   -Thinking about the time I got head so good I drooled in her hair by mistake o.0

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69

   stopped paying on a storage unit full of empty boxes marked grandmas secret stash..let the auctions begin

   Dear FCC, We already know whats being shown and said behind those blurs and black rectangles. Sincerely Everybody

   This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.

   I think its safe to say.. We all have that one co-worker that doesnt know when to STFU!

   am I the only one as a child thought that we have flying cars and a kick ass janitor named Henry like the Jetsons once year 2000 hit???

   When someone says: "We can still be friends" what they really mean is: "I'm not interested. Here's a consolation prize for all those wasted years."

   Dear ladies: If you're tired of guys staring at your boobs, just turn around. We like asses too.