Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I used to date cross-eyed women just to feel better about myself after sex.

   A real home improvement warehouse would have a marriage counselor.

   It's hard to kiss the lips at night that chew your ass out all day long.

   Bobby Brown abruptly left Whitney Houston's funeral at about 12:20. Heard it was for a smoke break. I think he's just jealous of Kevin Costner's speech

   Somebody on my friends list has really REALLY smelly breath... Should I tell Tracy?!

   i guess dione warwick and her psychic friends couldnt eveb predict whitneys death.

   This white girl took me home last night. She wanted me to prove to her what they say about black guys is true....so I stabbed her and took her purse.

   Just because you're offended, doesn't mean you're right.

   Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life

   RANDOM FACT: Rihanna's face is 70% forehead.

   I hate it when people need constant re-assurance. You know what I mean?

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   She was using them for years before she found out they were lint rollers and not for waxing your taint.

   In case you're wondering, sneezing while peeing is very uncomfortable indeed.

   While laying in bed with my Husband last night, he asked me what I'd most like to do to his body. Apparently, "Identify it" was the wrong answer

   They say honesty is the best policy. I dunno who"they"are so until they come forward ima lie like hell...

   When I was young I used to poke holes in my parent's condoms so that there could be someone else to do the dishes.

   Alcohol goes in, honesty and truth comes out.

   If you put more money into the car than you did those 23's, you might not be broke down on the side of the road.

   They should have cell phone chargers in waiting rooms instead of magazines.