Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinking about getting lip plates installed like african tribes, it would save alot of trips in a buffet...load it up, tilt head back..start again

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   cut through an adult gift store parking lot to avoid a traffic light, my neighbor only saw me pulling out with my mother. :/

   You young and ignorant boys can keep your virgins; give me hot old women in high heels with a$$es that forgot to get old.

   Ladies: Can we have more head and less headaches please!!

   remember, it is not a lie if you believe it!

   A snake bit me today and my neighbour's wife was kind enough to suck the venom out. Or at least that's what I told my wife when she walked in on us.

   That uneasy moment when you realize the garbage goes out more than you.

   Arousal is a miracle… Don't try to hide it. It's an unsolicited endorsement, a standing ovation, a spontaneous demonstration. ~Playboy

   I don't wear a watch. I DECIDE what time it is.

   I haven't been laid in such a long time that my virginity is beginning to grow back.

   Sometimes when I am bored I like to park on the side of the freeway and stick a blow dryer out the window and watch the cars slam on their brakes.

   I am the guy she asks to feel her legs after shaving.

   Hints that someone is not enjoying your company. . 1. I keep backing away from you. 2. No eye contact. 3. Keep checking my phone. 4. I'm trying real hard to spontaneously combust.

   new rule: For every post you don't like, you must post a better one..

   The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy

   i like my own posts for psychological manipulation of you, also cuz I do like them

   exterminaters are just serial killers with no balls

   "my, aren't you looking floppy today" is not an effective greeting, unless you want them to wonder why they look floppy for days to come

   midgets are the T-Rex's of our species..