Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Newly divorced woman explaining reason for splitting: We had religious differences - he thought he was God, I didn't.

   You can wake someone who is sleeping but you can't wake up someone pretending to sleep.

   StubHub should really be a place where single amputees meet.

   I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.

   Happy Friday dance ‎(((( ( • why • ) )))) shake'em

   Valentines Day is so fake. If you love a girl you'll treat her special every day. Not once out of 365 days!

   I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials and the tight ends.

   Just know that whenever your feeling down, I'll be there to feel you up!

   Fries, Chips...whatever you wish to call them, we Americans at least have teeth to eat them with. ... Say what .... Have you been to walmart lately ?

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   Researchers have discovered that excessive masturbation can cause dyslexia. Hwoevre, tihs is olny in etxreem caess of slef aubse.

   I outswitted the smartest person on the planet today in debate, then realized it was just anothr one of my personalities....

   On my way to the hospital. Just an FYI... Red Bull does NOT give you wings! It gives you a false sense of wings.

   Valentine's gift ❒Electric Tooth Brush ❒ Electric Blanket ✔ Electric Chair

   I'm not hungover, I'm just tired from a long night of drinking

   due to lack of interest tomorrow is cancelled.

   "Babe, is it in?" "Yeah" "Is it hurting?" "Mmhmm" "Let me try to put it in slowly" "Ouch,it still hurts!" "Ok, let's try another shoe size...