Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.

   Masks hanging from the rearview mirror are the new fuzzy dice.

   I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

   What idiot called them anti-anxiety meds instead of relaxatives?

   Deep thoughts by Johnny Quarantine. Minnesota votes to disband police department and go with a community-based public safety program. I’m assuming this community-based public safety program will be comprised of police officers who recently lost their jo

   I went to my doctor and asked him who his doctor was, then I switched doctors .

   I have come to the realization that I have a problem with alcohol. I don't get nearly enough of it.

   I bought a World Map...gave my wife a dart and I said to her.."throw this dart and wherever it lands I'll take you there on our next vacation" .. Turns out we are spending 2 weeks behind the fridge!!

   Do to the Coronavirus I have some concert tickets for sale, cheap! concert not included.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   They say the Ugliest parents make the most beautiful babies .. Damn girl your parents must be Fugly

   Despite what you may think, a unicorn isn't the most magical animal. A pig is. You feed it slop, it makes bacon. It's magic I tell you.

   My life hasn't been the same since McDonald's removed the HI-C orange drink from their stores!!

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? When are they going to start making condoms? asking for a friend.

   Discriminating is awful. But remember, the coronavirus doesn't discriminate either.

   Our reality has become a nightmare from which we cannot awake.

   Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!