Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im at A & E just a quick word of warning the dyson ball cleaner is not what you think it is `

   not always a big fan of the story God is using us to tell.... but has to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.

   the proud sponsor of this "I don't give a f**k" expression I currently have whilst you complain about everything!

   Yes Google/Gmail, I know already! Enough with the reduced privacy policy reminders. You want to make it easier for the government to track us. Yeah yeah I get it!!

   I want to start a Super PAC that will pay Clint Eastwood to glare at politicians while they try to sleep.

   Do NOT take your dog to Captain Chihuahua's Karate School for Dogs. They are not a legit dog karate academy.

   Bros over Hoes! ...Unless she's not a hoe.

   Americans will spend $17.6 BILLION on Valentine's Day. On average men spend $169. Women spend $86.

   Valentine's Day is for people who lack the imagination to be romantic during the rest of the year.

   Fellas: Make it a Valentine's Day she'll always remember by simply forgetting it.

   "I have four dates for Valentine's day!" "Oh really? Who?!" "My computer, my bed, food, and my dog.."

   Want to save money this Valentine's day? Better get started on ending the relationship you're in.

   My homosexual dyslexic mate cant wait for February the 14th..........He thinks its Vaseline Day!!!!

   thinking about how I'm going to pop the question and I think I'm going to do it in a simple manner and ask with a straight face "So hunny...what's for dinner?"

   With all these laws cracking down on texting while driving, I think it's a little bit ironic that every police car I see has a open laptop attached to the dashboard. You telling me that's not a distraction? 

   How does it change many dyslexics to take a lightbulb?

   Valentines advance: If she went to the party, watched the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you, then washed the dishes, cleaned up home, did laundry, washed your car and cooked the dinner… then she is definitely a Valentine material!

   You want to punch little, spoiled brats in the face when they just yell at their parents because they want this or that.

   Thanks for reminding me to "have a safe trip". I was going to roll down a cliff and let the river float me to my destination.

   No woman will ever be truely satisfied on valentines day, because no man will ever have a chocolate peni$ that ejacul@tes money.