Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   everyone knows that 1 person who never laughs...i'm drawn to them like a moth to a flame, jus to make their lives a living hell

   its friday I smell vodka

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   They say the world is going to end this year. C'mon now, these fools can barely predict the weather.

   If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes

   Facebook needs a "Wow that's the dumbest GOD DAMN thing I've ever heard, you should be punched in the throat" button.

   When I'm bored, I send a text to a random number saying "I hid the body in the sewer"

   the difference between rain in india and USA is that in USA the water disappears in 5 minutes. in india the road disappears in 5 minutes

   I hate when ugly people say "I need my beauty sleep" LOL NO! you need to hibernate.

   You know someone's ugly when it's time for a group photo & they hand them the camera..

   "Kill confirmed." ... "Grandma please, not at the funeral." -_-

   Dear mom, if you are reading this right now. I;m in the bathroom and we are out of toilet paper. Please Help!!

   I hate when you think you have one last piece of jerky left in the bag and it ends up being the silicone freshness packet!!

   its not my fault i'm fat, i've been in a fitness protection program

   I never understood what liking large asses had to do with being fallacious, but who am I to question the genius of a knighted rapper.

   I'd like to thank my skeletal system for all the support its given me over the years.

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   If it wasn't for my incredible willpower, I would be exercising right now.

   Dear cast of The Simpsons, Why is it that the asian characters are white and the white characters are yellow? Sincerely, confused.

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.