Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today was so horrible I want to buy a picture of Calvin peeing on it to put on my vehicle.

   I'm a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

   There are those of us here in Central FL that don't care about the Daytona 500...or as I like to call it, The Redneck Equivalent Of The Royal Wedding.

   Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?

   If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.”

   Fat Tuesday...or as we call it, 25 days till St Patricks Day

   Pancake Day already? That's crêped up on us.

   I think aussies were the first to jerk off into a sock. How else would they come up with the boomerang?

   For Lent, I'm giving up beer for vodka.

   You're darn tootin'!" - cowpoke complaining about flatulence.

   "I'm gonna need to crunch some numbers" is a good answer to any question when you've zoned out and aren't sure what they said

   There were a lot of Presidents day sales today, Mitt Romney was confused he thought the presidency was actually for sale today...

   I gave my kid a happy meal, but it's not working,

   Did you know "bathtub" backwards is still "bathtub"? It's not, but for a second there you believed me

   RelationSHIPS sink when they have too many passengers.

   Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.

   There are two reasons why I wake up in the morning: my alarm clock and you.

   One things for sure, I can always count on my fingers.

   Driving in snow is alot like going down on a girl...Just go slow and watch out for the a55hole behind you...

   I'm so old I remember when teens getting pregnant meant "PANIC!" not "Congratulations, you get your own MTV show!"