Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Trying to get into a relationship had turned me into a B-grade male version of Adele.

   I want whatever drugs make sign twirlers tolerate their jobs for more than 9 seconds.

   Whenever I delete an app on my iPhone, the shaking icons make me feel like they're panicking over who's next to go.

   The more you know, the less you need to say.

   Social media - keeping people away from each other since 2006.

   Ghandi, MLK and Nelson Mandela are heroes of mine because they preached non-violence and also I don't think they wore Tap Out t-shirts.

   Whoever said "Lets do that" in the meeting for the pop-tarts without frosting, should be fired

   treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner, if she stops sucking, replace the bag

   Motivation= get on treadmill naked in front of mirror

   If you can't handle the truth, stop asking tge questions. I'm into fairytales. Come on people, you know Snow White slept with a dwarf before Prince Charming came along!

   One thing vampire children are taught at a very young age is, never run with a wooden stake

   understands the concept of housework, but has difficulty grasping how it applies to me!

   @_theguy_: Cherries, lemons, limes and olives? This bar has the worst salad bar ever!

   My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

   I wish I had a twin so I could have every other day off of work.

   Its original title was "Everybody Loves Raymond, except Neil Daughtery, the convenience store clerk He Stabbed in 1982."

   The phrase, "Don't take this the wrong way" has a zero percent success rate.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life

   I was playing with my new toaster in the bathtub today when I read the warning label and it said not to. I was shocked.