Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my dream, I was just about to have sex with Meagan Fox, but my alarm went off. You can say I got clock blocked.

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   There's a Justin Bieber toothbrush that vibrates. Yeah, I'm pretty sure groupies won't be using it for their teeth.

   My math teacher accused me of cheating, I can't help that my english teacher is hotter.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   Think I'm about to have a boregasm.

   "Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."

   I became the employee of the month at Pizza Hut just by flirting. So... You like breadsticks?

   I fart, because it's the only gas I can afford.

   My tip for you working professional's out there- If you job requires you to use a computer, Maybe you should learn the basic functions of a computer- for instance- TURNING THE F&CKING THING ON

   Valentine Day Cancelled!!! ...Mathematical Proof - 14-02-12 = 0

   Valentine's day: Dinner for two: $80. Movie: $60. Flowers: $85. Gold Necklace: $250. Hotel room: $150 OR a Prostitute: $100! You decide.

   If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don't want it.

   Before I post a joke on twitter I tell it to my windmill... He is a HUGE fan.

   Not liking someone does not make you a hater. Speaking about it all the time, even when nobody asks you, makes you a hater.

   What is more annoying than Valentine's Day? The people that won't shut the hell up about how much they hate Valentine's Day.”

   To make a long story short...I walk away.

   If you are my girlfriend and you are too broke to buy me anything special for Valentine's, a cooked meal and you for desert will suffice.

   Do you answer the call or do you revel in the power when someone calls out begging for toilet paper