Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

   We debated for years what the participation trophy generation would turn out to be. Now we know.

   Who cares about Elmer Fudd's rifle. I'm way more concerned about them taking Marvin the Martian's Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator.🗼

   My gardening skills improved since the quarantine. I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

   Everytime I see someone not wearing a mask in public that alternative Queen song that goes No mask on your face you big disgrace spreading your germs all over the place pops into my head.

   I want to hear 99 people sing 'Africa' by Toto. It's something that a hundred men or more could never do.

   Bl@ck History Month reminds us that peanut butter was invented by a bl@ck guy... One can only assume "Chunky" was in reference to his white girlfriend.

   Unemployment, COVID-19, social unrest, .......kinda makes waiting for that giraffe to give birth not that big of a big deal now.

   I'm at the store with my 2 kids. A guy asked me if they were twins. I told him, "One is 8 and the other is 4, why would you ask that?" He said, "I can't believe you got laid twice!"

   Ironically removing episodes from old comedy show because they are offensive..They'll end up on the black market.

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

   Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.

   I see NASA is planning a mission to find water on the moon and maybe I'll go someday if they find enough to make a decent cup of coffee with.

   Did you hear the joke about the cure for COVID19? It's a riot.

   At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

   Thinking of calling into work due to diarrhea…no one questions diarrhea

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”