Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the deal with people who hit you up on the chat, then take twenty minutes to type their responses? DELETE.

   Doing my best to, as the kids say: "keep it real." Or some such thing

   Hamburger Helper can only help the hamburger that wants help.

   Can't wait to see "The Lorax"! Finally, a movie answers the age old question: What if Wilford Brimley was orange?

   If I ever go on "Wheel of Fortune," I'm going to buy all the vowels, then give them to poor kids in Africa

   Does anyone have a llama guy? I need a llama. I'll explain later

   If you bite the inside of your mouth by accident, you should be allowed to fire a shotgun at an old bus till you feel better.

   “Fine, sure, go ahead. Weird, but I like it.” (God greenlighting the duck-billed platypus)

   Roundabouts and retarded people are like round holes and square pegs, you can force them together, but it isn't going to be pretty.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Some people are like pennies. Two-Faced And Worthless.

   This is not fair!" - Russian guy realizing he got bad directions to the fair.

   Auditions are being held for you to be yourself. Apply within.

   My girlfriend smokes when we have sex..but we use lube now..

   Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl's stomach full for 9 months

   Since I cant afford the gas to go on vacation anytime soon, I'm gonna drink until I dont know where I am!

   Don't let the bad weather get you down. It's not the end of the world. That's not for another 10 months.

   "I want you to tongue punch your fart box" ~~ my worst pick-up line ever, probably....

   When I was in kindergarten my teacher told me to sit indian style. So I bought a bottle of cheap whiskey and laid in the gutter.

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9