Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to the 96 years of sun bathing grandma doesn't need a leather jacket to ride on the motorcycle with me.

   All old ladies will answer to the name "Bev." Try it out if you don't believe me.

   Sleeping with someone for the first time is like the new girl in the office making your coffee for the first time.You're never sure if they're going to do it like you like it

   The first time a man sees a woman naked is like a child seeing a present on Christmas morning.

   I've never had a problem with drugs. But I've had problems with the police because of drugs.

   On a scale from 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?

   I love a woman in heels. But please don't wear a bunch of Bangles too. You just sound like an angry Samurai chasing me on a horse.

   I hope Floyd Mayweather wins the best actor Oscar for his portrayal of a boxer wanting to fight Manny Pacquiao.

   The extra muscles it takes to smile after losing an Oscar is such a workout it keeps the actors thin for the whole next year!

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   Maybe it's the beer talking but I really love beer.

   Best Film went to a silent movie made by Frenchmen and Best Foreign film went to Iran. 2 sure signs the world is ending soon.

   I'm making a deal with Nicholas Cage that I'll see his movie but only after he really sets his face on fire.

   My dramatic exit was ruined when I forgot my phone.

   Brownies cure frownies, this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA

   You are so ugly...as a kid, pedophiles used to give you candy to get out of the van.

   that girl will take a wiener to the grill like a hot dog stand

   Cashier: Sir, this is the 5th movie ticket you have bought tonight. Customer: Well yeah, the a$$hole at the entrance keeps ripping it.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   The worst part about eating with vegetarians is everything.