Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   Why do they keep records of people who died due to alcohol, but not the records of people who were born thanks to it?

   I've decided to nickname my fridge 'Facebook'. Because even if I know there's nothing there, I still check it every time I go into the room.

   "What's the point of winning all these golden covered Grammys if there isn't chocolate in the middle?" - Adele

   Feeling stressed about something? Ask yourself, “Will this really matter after I've had a few drinks?”

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I found the vodka… it was hiding in the orange juice!

   "OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   The best part about waking up Sunday morning is knowing that sex can be more than a quickie and you can sip your coffee instead of gulping it.

   Fellaz: Tell her she's ‘beautiful' instead of ‘hot'. She's a woman, not a temperature.

   I don't care if I'm buried or cremated, as long as I never die.

   2 entirely different phrases; each have 3 words and 8 letters: “I Love You!” vs. “Go To Hell!”

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   Parallel lines have got so much in common. It's a shame they'll never meet.

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   People who say, “I am a lover NOT a fighter” are full of bullsh!t. If you love something, you WILL fight for it.

   A woman without curves is like jeans without pockets. You just don't know where to put your hands.

   I need a lot of coffee to start the day and a lot of booze to end it.