Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know how sometimes you accidentally drop food on the floor and eat it anyways? I just did that with soup

   Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of.

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm. :)))

   Has anyone notice on the visit California commercial, Kim Kardashian is pretending to read a Quantum Physics book?

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   Today, my girlfriend revealed to me that she has primeisodophobia. What is primeisodophobia, you may ask? Well, it's the fear of losing your virginity.

   Being single is better than being lied to, cheated on, and disrespected.

   Why do I hate people who are in relationships so much?

   Don't judge me until you know me. Don't underestimate me until you challenge me. And don't talk about me until you talk to me

   It's amazing how dudes can take care of Jordan's, but can't take care of a woman.

   I'm a big guy. I hate going shopping and the only I can find that fits is cologne.

   MILF...Man I Love Fries.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be.

   My "Baggage" flies on a broom and smells of brimstone...

   Don't think I know half of my FB friends....Who the heck are you people?

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for life.... Give an octopus nunchuks,,, and no one's eating fish ever again.

   Me: It smells like upsexy in here. Girl: What's 'upsexy'? Me: Oh nothing much

   there such a thing as Mexican Boy Scout Cookies? Cause I think I just got ripped off by a couple of dudes in sombreros.

   I think Web MD is like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book where the ending is always cancer.