Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy International Women's day to all the ladies!! Now MAKE ME A SANDWICH BEEYOTCH!

   When people say they can't do something because their hands are full I always hope their hands are full of twinkies.

   Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out

   As the world focuses on KONY 2012, which is a good project, let's remember the THOUSANDS on welfare that are out buying a Lexus!!

   On the occasion of Women's Day...my wife decided to take a rest ...so I am the boss for today.....

   Ok, screw it...I'm just gonna wait for the iPad 10 to come out. You know the clear one, has solar power, you can go deep sea-diving with it, and not to mention... using it as a bullet proof chest plate!

   I did a striptease for my girl, but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she was asleep...

   I've got ten texts msgs today asking me for sex tonight. I wouldn't have minded, but I've borrowed my girlfriend's cell phone for the day.

   Walking past a new employee's desk & yelling, "Do you think it's a good idea to be surfing porn on your first day?" will never get old.

   I always leave a light on when I'm not home so no one accidentally breaks anything while robbing me.

   I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "

   BREAKING NEWS: New iPad Will Do Same Sh*t other iPads Already Do!

   Thinking.... If they want to make this Kony guy famous, why don't they put him on Uganda's got talent?

   If she's a member of Kony's army...she's too young for you bro

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion

   pain is weakness leaving the body....so those who have been hurt live strong ♡

   I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "

   Can you imagine what the Clapper would have acted like in the Three Stooges House... a strobe light?

   I did a striptease for my wife but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she had left the room.

   Getting a BJ is overwhelming. I mean, going to BJs is overwhelming.