Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never make fun of kids for having imaginary friends because my imaginary dad would say "Knock if off".

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name & tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.

   Dont let those people hurt you when they call you fat. Just keep your chins up!!

   :The sign above my office door reads "Dr. J. Smith - The rapist". It's kinda funny 'cause most women who visit my office enquire about the typo. Many limp out realising there isn't one.

   When you wake up before you're alarm and when it goes off it scares the sh** out of you

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You're actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.

   This man just said he date homeless women because you can drop them off anywhere

   Don't ever blame yourself if people can't accept you for who you are.

   Just told the waitress her arss look like two kids playing under a blanket...

   #1 female lie: "I have a headache" #1 male lie: "I'm on my way"

   I'm not crazy; I've been just in a very bad mood for thirty years. :)

   If a midget smokes weed, do they get high or medium?

   I love my six pack so much I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Ghetto people are always naming their kids after stuff they cant afford: Mercedes, Bentley, Pearl, Life Insurance.

   I hate it when friends talk to people you have been with or had things with... It's like bros before hoes has no meaning at all these days.