Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   why doesnt a car dealer run for office? they lie & cheat the ppl to get our money already

   I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   Apparently, I can't say "Blak paint!" any more. I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.

   A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   When the cop asked me to recite the ABC's I did it perfectly... He didn't particularly care for the "next time won't you sing with me" part though.

   Sometimes I wish animals could talk....then I remember all the things my cats have seen me do when I'm alone and I'm very grateful they can't.