Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We all know someone who breathes way too damn loud.

   If I'm looking for something and you ask me where did I see it last, I will slap the last person who asked me a dumb question.

   Religion- The longest game of Simon says ever.

   you can quit with the whole "limited time offer" Proactiv, you've always been $19.95..

   I think women should give it up for lent, if you know what I mean ;)

   I only use medical marijuana to treat PMS symptoms. It really helps me forget how much of a b!tch my girlfriend is being.

   God should have made stupidity painful.

   After careful consideration I've decided i'm giving up using autocorrect on my iPhone for Kent

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   I get so emotional when you're not around. That emotion is called joy.

   I must be cruel only to be kind. Yes, thy rear does look big in that dress.

   Guns don't kill people. Fathers with pretty daughters do.

   When you find the right person, you shouldn't even be able to tell the difference between being "single" or in a "relationship". That's the key. 

   If you don't believe that Love is Blind. Look at Howard Wolowitz and Bernadette Rostenkowski.

   B!tch on hardcore pawn got called..'pepperoni ass' I think America jus got its new catch phrase

   Sarcasm is just one of the many services I offer to people who ask dumb questions.

   The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?"

   I'm giving up my new year's resolution for lent

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.