Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can drown in two inches of water. I'm not reciting facts, I'm making suggestions.

   Facebook is neat because it provides a platform for me to connect with old friends, make new ones, and figure out which one's are completely insane.

   When your life flashes before your eyes does that include the black outs? That'd be cool. Like your life but with never before seen footage.

   Whenever someone tells me I should be ashamed of myself, I'm like "Got it covered, bro!"

   Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.

   let the music go...out the window...kinda day...:)

   The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.

   Found a 2 inch eyebrow sticking out of my head. I have terrible friends that are too self-absorbed to notice what's really important.

   This woman at work is trying to get me fired, for giving her inappropriate massages at the office. I said “good luck with that, I don't even work here”

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down

   had a threesome last night, usually I only use 2 fingers

   inventing little nipples for your texting thumbs

   It disturbs me to see how much I say the word "Retard'' in everyday conversations..But never on Facebook where they are abundant.

   Trying to decide if its flour or the beginnings of mold on my bread....oh well...nom nom nom

   people from india shouldnt be selling hamburgers. I guess cows arent as sacred as the benjamins

   a unibrow is just a mustache for your eyes

   unibrows...look like birds in flight when in a 'Surprised' mode

   Hornrimmed glasses are back..and uglier than ever

   Ladies paying thousands for chemical peels...I will splash battery acid on your face for only $500. Look for me on craigslist. Dr. Duracell

   We have come so far. Computers, Moon landing, Mars rover, Hubble telescope taking pictures of thing light years away...and yet we still need a sign telling employees to wash their hands.