Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raisin Cookies that look like Chocolate Chip Cookies is the reason why I have trust issues

   Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out

   Condoms are cheaper than diapers, remember that:)

   You're fat because you have a slow metabolism and a fast appetite!!!

   "Luke, I'm like totally your father. Party on." ~~Garth Vader

   There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.

   <----Thinks it adds more stress going to a Spa and paying $ 160 an hour for Swedish !

   I'm one boob, you're the other boob and together...we're Breast friends.

   Not sure if FB will exist when I die, but if it does, please don't write on my wall after that, it will re- kill me if I can't answer all of your posts, and even worse, if I can't delete some of them.

   I just bumped into my sexy neighbour. She said, "Hows the little one,

   Sometimes Karma takes way too long. I would rather beat the crap out of you NOW!

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." No thank you. I already have a job.

   Just realized.. I called one of my customers from work 48 times.. While trying to vote for someone on a reality tv show... Whoopsies

   You can't judge a book by it's cover...but you can judge milk by it's smell.

   Ladies, if you love a man, set him free. If he comes back he will be yours forever. If he doesn't, the new chick probably does anil.

   time to diet, my belly button went from looking surprised to a full blown grimace

   My magic watch say's you don't have any underwear on... Oh, you do?... It must be 15 minutes fast.

   We thought a 747 was landing in the hall last night. After checking everything out it was just a central air unit flying south for the summer!

   Don't you wish people could be like money? So you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and which are real?

   Vacations are a great way to spend thousands of dollars to stare at your phone in exotic locations.