Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant

   After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!

   The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)

   accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster

   To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.

   You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year

   I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him

   When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed

   If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

   My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.

   You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

   chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   Did I miss the Grammys again! Darn that makes like 15 years in a row.

   I can't wait for Biden's tell-all book to come out. It's titled "You know, the thing.."

   yeah, a dab will do. or what ever fred flinstone said

   Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

   When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.