Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 385 of 6446

There's no way I'm ever eating Thanksgiving leftovers again straight out of the fridge. Yes, that's right. I quit cold turkey.
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11-27-2020 09:23 by Fazzy
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I hope Mariah Carey getting some good rest today cause it’s game time at midnight.

Which Thanksgiving Day parade doesn't have Jimmy Fallon hot-dogging all over the place? Asking for a frien ... me.
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11-26-2020 08:48 by Fazzy
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Can’t figure out if every piano ends up being free or if it’s just the same piano that everyone passes around for free on Facebook Marketplace... 😐
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11-26-2020 08:22 by ScottyGay
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Him: Can make a 45$ guitar sound like a 6000 dollar guitar Me: Can make a 6000$ guitar sound like a 1$ toy guitar
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11-25-2020 23:56
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Once you mine you ain't leaving, welcome to death row
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11-25-2020 21:09
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If she witnessed you pull start the lawn mower in one go, she's already pregnant
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11-25-2020 20:21
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After spending 20 minutes trying to get her bra off, I decided to give up. I wish I'd never put it on now...!
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11-25-2020 18:12 by Gabe
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The eyes are the window to the soul. The mouth is the window to the esophagus. (Sorry. I'm anticipating Thanksgiving dinner.)
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11-25-2020 17:14 by Fazzy
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accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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11-25-2020 08:46
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To be safe, avoid all vegetables and just eat pies for Thanksgiving.
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11-25-2020 08:11
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You want a traditional thanksgiving? The CDC recommends you eat outside like a pilgrim this year
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11-25-2020 07:52
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I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him
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11-25-2020 07:52
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When I think about all that potatoes have done for me I get a little teary eyed
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11-25-2020 07:51
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If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
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11-25-2020 07:51
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My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
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11-25-2020 07:51
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You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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11-25-2020 07:50
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chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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11-25-2020 07:50
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I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.
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11-25-2020 07:49
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My boyfriend does this completely insane thing where sometimes, when I ask him to take a photo of me, he takes exactly ONE photo
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11-25-2020 07:48
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