Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a thirsty guy who digs your timeline pics. I love you and I'd do anything to meet you, although I've never seen you post anything with your pics that would lead me to believe you possess even the slightest semblance of a brain.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   The date went downhill fast after I questioned which house from Harry Potter she belonged in.

   Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.

   That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?” Now, I’m blocked.

   Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from

   My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.

   Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?” Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”

   Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.

   Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

   I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

   My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

   When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

   I just need you to find me 100 upvotes! I can't stand losing, and I'll try anything to win!

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   Random friend: Wow...how do you have so many friends on Facebook? Me: I'm a fricking train wreck and people like to watch.