Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just found a turd in my potted plant and I dont have a cat

   Whenever someone comes out and tell the world that they are gay, I always feel the urge to ask if they are the "pitcher" or the "receiver"

   wonders if famous comedians ever steal my original funny thoughts....aaaaahhhhhhhh.. at least pay me

   js pissed that the other site steals our status's cuz now our secret spot is violated and 'everyone' on FB might be as funny as me

   thinks rescue workers are secretly happy when people who don't wear seatbelts are 'thrown clear' from the accident

   sad the government decided that I can't buy steaks with lotsa fat on the edges.

   brad pitt and angelina jolie's kids must have lips like airbags

   If you put a finger in your ear and scratch, it sounds like Pacman.

   stayed up that late to watch douche bags get 123 at daytona... Terrible!

   I only live for two reasons: 1. I was born 2. I ain't dead yet

   Jigsaw - someone who when there is a problem goes to pieces :)...

   Never fall asleep around potheads...I woke up and had a forehead drawn on my peter...

   if another women steals your man. There is no better revenge, then letting her keep him. A REAL MAN can't be stolen!

   Angelina Jolie needs to take some time off her busy schedule of feeding the hungry and poor in third world countries and feed herself for a change.

   The FOX announcers are talking dirty...Drying Up the Wet Spots...LOL!

   Wait, hang on Fox... you finally resume racing after lonnnng delay, and a few laps in we get a commercial break?

   your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter

   Go Daddy, more like Crash Daddy!

   How many NASCAR drivers does it take to destroy a jet dryer?? Juan

   Watching the Daytona 500 is worse than watching paint dry... Hmmm... On second note, maybe I just need some more Bud Light?