Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lazy Rule #227- I only buy Peanut Butter & Jelly when its swirled together cuz I aint got no time for all that two jar sh*t...

   The lengths I'm willing to go to avoid somebody I know in a supermarket could count as cardio.

   I'm not actually dangerously unbalanced. At most, I'm gracefully insane. I wouldn't have it any other way

   I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks.So if you're swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

   Never have I seen humans turn on their fellow man faster than when someone holds up a checkout line.

   The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the "I'm sick" voice.

   Really proud of my parallel parking job. Come see it at 4350 West Elm until 8.

   The coolest thing about being a dog must be the ability to use your own ass for a pillow.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   That which does not kill me has been everything so far.

   Every time I say "I love you too", I'm thinking about the band so, technically not a lie.

   In a movie, if there is big fish tank and someone has a gun, you can bet they're gonna shoot that fish tank and it's gonna be great.

   Made it through the day without smoking any Peeps marshmallow bunnies. Feeling strong.

   When you really think about it...most of 'Dunkin Donuts' aren't for dunkin at all.

   wishes Dunkin Donuts would just 'deliver' already, some of us dont have a job and arent 'on our way to work' good god!

   if anyone of my thousand FB friends steal my status that the other site stole...they're gonna think I steal my status's :o

   gonna surprise my husband by buyin a wig, thats right, my landing strip is now red..

   so tired, but at least I got the dog on the bus and let the kids out to pee

   Whenever someone tells an old and tired joke, I alway feel the urge to ask them, "Have you been living under a rock for the past decade?"

   chews my gum loud n proud cuz it annoys sooo many people