Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's face it, if St. Paddy's Day wasn't about getting completely sh*tfaced, we'd be celebrating it in the same manner we celebrate Arbor Day. (Shaddap! That's funny!)

   When I was a kid squirt guns were my favorite toy... Now I'm an adult and making women squirt is my favorite thing. I guess some things never change!

   I hate to call it "one night stands." I prefer "auditions."

   If life gives you sh!t, proudly take it and fertelize your hopes and dreams.

   I hardly know you... but, Facebook says it's your birthday, so happy birthday!

   Do the right thing today: Go to someone's profile, ccroll down 4 months, and like something.

   If I don't share all this stuff about me now... it's gonna be really awkward when I show up at your house.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, Don't give me that look, there's no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don't forget the toy b!tch.

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.

   If I were found dead, the CSI's would check my wallet and find no money and assume it was murder and I was robbed. Good luck the investigation, my wallet never has money in it.

   When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."

   Studies confirm that caffeine withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).

   I about to start deleting and blocking a whole lot of people who lied about being interesting.

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!