Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a cop pulls you over for talking on your phone, just tell him you were reporting a drunk driver.

   hey guys you can pretty much call a girl whatever you want as long as you put skinny in front of it

   I don't care what ANYONE says. He's MY dog, he's grown, & if he wants to get a tattoo, who am I to stop him?

   Like a good Neighbor, Stay over there.

   While playing football with friends: Fat guy = goalkeeper.

   To all those who said I couldn't make jokes about blind people... watch me.

   I Hate Fake people! Go back to China where you were made!

   someone ate half my black crayon, the built in box sharpener is jammed, I have checks to write, gonna be one of those days

   I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a soberphobic.

   whatever happened to Gallant and Gufus?

   tried to get a tattoo but it hurt, so I just got dots with numbers..You make the connection

   Every Sunday is like an episode of CSI... I have to figure out where I was, what I did, and who I did!

   If you can read this please let me know because, it means I blocked the wrong person. I'm still getting used to this Stupid timeline!

   A psychologist cannot change a light bulb unless the light bulb really wants to change.

   Sitting in here in Mugg & Bean sippin on my coffee, watching as a group of raucous and untamed black youth walk by in a ghetto wolf pack. Yep, I can smell discounts and knockoffs on everything they wearing, including personalities.

   The current administration is finally getting through to people. I can not count how many people I saw going "Green" yesterday! These are truly exciting days!!!

   it just me....but when I am trying to insert a straw into a Capri Sun I feel like I am trying to start an IV.

   All the immortals survived St. Paddy's Day I see? Let us mere mortals now join our brethren and worship at our place of choice to further along that regressive human trait known as hypocrisy.

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   Sometimes I forget every thought I've ever had and stare at the phone, wondering why it's in my hand