Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Beer can with a british accent sounds like bacon with a jamaican accent

   I just read a list of “100 things to do before you die”. And, I've got to say,, I'm pretty surprised that “yell for help” wasn't one of them.

   Women like a man with confidence. Because without that, what's to destroy?

   I need a pity pity bang bang

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Snooki pregnant! I bet the pro choice movement is having their best week ever!

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   why dont you SHUT THE F°©< up and play catch with a bear trap

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.