Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rosie O'Donnell fired again from a talk-show, for the 4th time. Time to quit attempts at being so serious and go back to fat lesbian stand-up comedy.

   Janitors carry a lot of keys...too bad one of those isn't the Key to Success.

   I saw these two blind guys about to fight and I shouted, "My money's on the one with the knife." You should have seen how fast they both ran off.

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker.

   Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks what is wrong with you.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. I've learned from experience that if they're open, pepper spray gets into them.

   Alcoholism is not a disease.........it's a goal!

   Sorry Tebow. God likes Peyton more.

   Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, "I thought you were peeing?"

   Guns don't kill people. Oh wait. I guess they do. Sorry for doubting you, guns!

   Ohhhhhh , when your's down near the sea and an eel bites your knee....Thats a MORAY

   My Grandpa is so good at planking. He's been laying there on the golf course since Thursday.

   Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

   R.I.P. the Best Guitarist that ever lived... Randy Rhoads

   For Sale: authentic Tim Tebow Broncos Jersey...'Like New' condition, Will negotiate a trade (no pun intended) asking 5$ OBO

   I've signed up to be a ghostwriter when I die

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   I found a typo on these Fruit Loops. For the serving size it says 3/4 "cup." They totally spelled "box" wrong.

   If we're all "God's Children"....why is Jesus so special?

   still waiting for the "cabbage explosion".