Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My daily workout?........ running late for work

   People who say "No, and here's why..." need to realize that we stopped listening after the "no" part.

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.

   Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct

   So if a naked chick does a full split on the ground should you consult the 5 second rule on whether you should eat it or not?

   I got robbed tonight at Shell. I called the cops & they asked if I knew who did it I said "Yeah, pump 6."

   Trying to arrange an eating contest between Rosie, Oprah and Trump....wagering available in Vegas. Place your bets early

   A guy in a Smart car just flipped me off, which is about as adorably menacing as being cursed at by Teddy Ruxpin

   condolences to Demi Moore a year ago she lost custody of Ashton Kutcher.jg

   If your hands don't look like you just delivered a baby when you finish eating wings....not enough hot sauce.

   I wonder if Satan ever gets tired of getting Xmas letters from dyslexic kids.

   I just baptized a bale of hay and now I have a Christian Bale.

   You know you're in a sh!tty bar when the food is colder than your beer.

   Right now I'm just eating oatmeal and then after that I don't know what. I am a man without limits. Also not wearing pants.

   If anyone needs me I'll be over on Facebook telling people their babies look atrocious.

   went to a sorority house party, passed out and woke up with ovaries on my cheeks and a gaping √agina on my nose...it would have been funnier if they had just drawn something

   gas prices still rising...back to horses...history repeats itself, Hellloooo Wild West

   Just saw a scab in front of my workplace, should I pick it

   Bought my kid a giant backpack painted like a turtle shell, it even comes with a hoodie in case they feel shy