Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

   If the scientists REALLY want to know how the dinosaurs died, they can just ask the guy driving in front of me.

   Yes, people who exercise live longer. But those extra years are spent...umm...excercising!

   A big part of my self-improvement plan is finding more opportunities to use the word "taters."

   Selecting a menu item at a Mexican restaurant is easy once you decide how many times you want your food folded.

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   I'm hungry, but there's a repair guy here and I don't feel comfortable eating. Suffering is funny until it happens to you.

   This healthy bran cereal tastes just like bacon because I threw it away and am now eating bacon.

   This morning at breakfast, I think I got some cheap Russian Alphabits - half of the R's were backwards!

   It's funny how so many expectant moms don't like it when I use the term "invading organism."

   The labor pain experienced during giving birth is just to compensate  for the menstrual pain missed during the nine months. 

   FACT: Arguing with women is like getting arrested, anything you say can and will be used against you.

   I never make fun of kids for having imaginary friends because my imaginary dad would say "Knock if off".

   why is it a dog finds great joy sticking his head out of a car going 55mph, but if you blow in his face he'll try and kill you

   A fun way to freak out new parents on Facebook is to change your name to their baby's name & tag yourself in all of their baby's pictures.

   I don't mean to brag but when I'm in the mood, I'm bigger than even a D battery!

   East Tennesseans collectively saying, "Umm so what are we supposed to do with all of these Colts jerseys and t-shirts?"

   There's more than one way to skin a cat. There are four,, and they're all horrible.. Can we not talk about this?

   When I'm the designated driver, I want to look cool ordering my drink. So I ask for a Jack and Dr. Pepper hold the Jack.

   Dont let those people hurt you when they call you fat. Just keep your chins up!!