Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   #1 thing to do today: Run into a store and ask what year it is. When someone answers, yell "It worked!!!" and run out cheering.

   S.I.N.G.L.E. = (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one (L)ife's (E)asier

   "WANTED" - Meaningful Overnight Relationship, please inbox for details......

   What do you give the man that has everything?'' ''Normally the middle finger, sometimes both...

   A guy fills his Blow-up doll with Helium by accident. Now the b*tch is playing hard to get

   One of the biggest lies ever: The doctor will be with you in a couple of minutes.

   I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, 'I'd tap that.'

   The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

   Just place a STUDENT DRIVER sticker on top of your car, and suddenly no one suspects you of drunk driving at 8am.

   Marriage is the opposite of prison; the better you behave, the longer your sentence.

   You know you're getting old when the kids on the train think your 56k modem dial-up ringtone must be the new song by Skrillex,

   Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?

   I'm great in bed, I can sleep for days!

   torn between the options of a two hour walk or a two hour bath...

   I think I'm losing my mind but nobody can tell the differance

   Hopes her status is now fixed so she can back to her false reality that she is popular;)

   i guess "Russell Brand's" upcoming movie will be called "forgetting katy perry"j.G

   "I just want to sit on your Face" ~ is that being to forward?

   One surefire way to get into a chick's pants is to point at a flower & be like "Look how fuckin' pretty that is."

   I love the beach but I hate watching the Tide go out…It reminds me of my receding Hairline.