Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are "The Hunger Games" scored by calorie intake? If so, I would kick ass at that game

   When I die, I have made my husband promise to update my FB status with “Who knew they had Wi-Fi down here?!?”

   Tigers knee seem okay today only because he's leading.

   It's all fun and games until someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   that moment when your sarcasm is so second nature people actually think you are stupid

   Turning an ordinary salad into a 7000-calorie cholesterol bomb is my superpower.

   Perfect weather for a little gardening outside. Now if I can just find my Mangroomer.

   Dick Cheney underwent a heart transplant operation??? Wow! That proves he did have heart in the first place...

   Went on a scavenger hunt. Bagged six scavengers.

   I think it'd be cool if they put up a statue of me in a park where I'm shirtless and carving a statue of myself.

   Going on a walk. Like some kind of freakin' car-less hippie moron.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.

   Family that smokes together is called a JOINT Family

   Whatever happens, Never agree to teach a girl how to ride a bike with her father watching..

   <--- *punches the air like Cuba Gooding*

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl didn't put out much.

   Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

   On the off chance I'm captured by cannibals, I've got a 'Best if eaten by 1975' tattoo on my neck.

   I have a horrible sleeping disorder where I have to wake up every morning and go to work.