Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   Apparently,, re-enacting scenes from "Deadliest Catch" are frowned upon at Red Lobster.

   Ever notice that kids with Down Syndrome always seem to be so up? We could all take a lesson from them.

   Keep your head up and smile in the face of your enemies cause they hate to see you shine....and they'll do anything to see you rust.

   I spent the afternoon scanning profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   Ya you and 103 other creepers like that photo too!!!

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   I called Siri a bitch for messing up my request and my phone automatically started dialing my ex.

   I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.