Czovczov Funny Status Messages

   If you don't drink, you're boring and all your stories end the same way with, “and then I got home and went to sleep.”

   Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.

   My reputation as a ladies' man is a joke that has often caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I have spent alone.

   When I exercise at the gym, I wear all black. It's like a funeral for my fat.

   When you die and God asks what you did with your life, try not to say, "Didn't you read my tweets and Facebook updates?"

   I'm not a bank but I can tell you that I have 0% interest in what you're saying right now.

   Someone needs to invent a pill that makes saving money feel as good as spending it.

   The only good part about reuniting with an ex is that having sex with them doesn't change the number of people you've slept with.

   My wife was shocked when she found out I switched her vibrator with a taser.

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?

   Why do men talk dirty? So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

   New survey: 55% of men expect to pay on the 1st date. While the other 45% have never been on a 2nd date.

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   It takes 17 muscles to smile, 43 to frown and 0 to not give a damn.

   The three most read words in the world: I̶ ̶L̶o̶v̶e̶ ̶Y̶o̶u̶ …NO! It's: “Made in China.”

   I think the best way to prove to an ex that you don't think about them anymore is to write and produce a song saying so.

   MOM: Make your bed! SON: Why make my bed If I'm gonna sleep In It again tonight? MOM: Why wipe your ass If you are gonna poop again?

   Suicide Bomber Training: "Pay attention because I'm only going to show you this once..."

   A clever horse needs only one touch of the whip...unless it's into that sort of thing.

   What's big, red, and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.