Baddie Funny Status Messages

   Judging by all these mosquitos passed out and puking on my chest, I've had too much tequila.

   Baby, I'll respect you in the morning if you leave tonight.

   You'd think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.

   Kanye West agreed to play Santa Claus under the condition that children had to ask him what he wanted for Christmas.

   This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.

   My tolerance for alcohol is way higher than my tolerance for people

   You mean as much to me as error reports do to Microsoft.

   I separate women into two categories: 1. Women I would have sex with. 2. Dudes.

   Apparently it's frowned upon to bring beer to a search party.

   Kids, stay in school so you can afford better weed.

   gonna try out a new yoga position alone in my bed tonight it's called the bermuda cryangle

   You can't spell "housewife" without "ho."

   Some say chivalry is dead, but given the number of times I've held in a fart while getting a blow job, I'd say chivalry is alive & well.

   it spelled Beiber or Bieber? I want this death threat to sound legit.

   My daughter just said when she grows up she wants to marry someone just like me. Now I can't stop crying.

   Whoever said the way to a man's heart is through his stomach obviously never had a blow job.

   If your bellybutton jewelry touches the person you’re hugging before you do…you shouldn’t have bellybutton jewelry.

   My wife says she is going to leave me if I don't stop drinking so much. See? There are benefits to being an alcoholic.

   "So what qualities do you think qualify you for this job?" "I'm an idiot" "You can join today" *How managers are hired*

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.