Aaron Funny Status Messages

   Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

   I just sneezed and farted simultaneously while peeing, I think I saw god.

   I wonder whose stadium will be the first to play "Who let the dogs out" when Michael Vick plays.

   What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

   It's so cute how you think I'm listening.

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   People who hate hand gestures: I salute you.

   Life isn't fair. Especially when I'm involved.

   What the world needs is more geniuses with humility, there are so few of us left.

   I've changed my mind a dozen times. It seems to work better now.

   I never use parking meters. The "time expired" sign gives me the creeps.

   I'm a fruit loop in a world of cheerios.

   You could learn a lot by listening. So shut up and let me talk.

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   (status update from the future) RIP everyone.

   If you fall and break both of your legs, don't come running to me.

   Did you guys hear about the robber that stole a calendar? Yeah, he got 12 months.

   So Monday and Tuesday sucked. But, with the right mix of caffeine, alcohol and mushrooms, Wednesday doesn't even have to happen at all.

   I'm not quite ready to declare this the 2,847th best day of my life, but it's certainly trending that way.

   I joined the Tourettes society today. It only took a minute to be sworn in.