Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   April Fools' Day is like a huge open mic night in which millions of people go out of their way to demonstrate how unfunny they are.

   My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with plants. I said "For f-cks sake petal, where has this stemmed from?"

   Yea I saw the Hunger games, I'm not saying it sucked, but I believe I wasted 2.5 hours of my time and $10.50 seeing a sh*tastic movie that should never have been made

   My girlfriend wanted us to go out and have a romantic evening instead of me staying home and watching Wrestlemania....... She's getting good at this April fools thing.

   Just seen a April Fools jokes saying, "Justin Bieber found dead in a hotel room." You should never joke about death of a little girl.

   Every kiss begins with K, unless it's forced then it begins with R.

   'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your damn WiFi.

   Unless your girlfriend is Rihanna, she doesn't love the way you lie.

   Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of the human body that is more useful when erect!" Those who spelled spine became doctors....the rest of us went to airline school....

   To all the SINGLE MEN, GEEKS and Comic Book Nerds//// You lost out on Feb. 14 Valentine's Day.....You lost out on March 14 Steak and BJ Day ....BUT today is YOUR day....HAPPY PALM SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!

   That uneasy moment when you're sitting with the most decent people around you, pretending to get into a comfortable posture by moving back n forth cos your a$$ is itching !!

   My internet bride got delivered today, she's the WiFi always dreamed of.

   I would say that one day you'll be working for me, but I don't have any intention on running a strip club.

   I didn't win the lotto. So I guess I have to return the Lamborghini

   Fun Fact of the Day: Of the 236 episodes of the great show "Friends" Jennifer Aniston has 'pokies' in 217 of them.

   How is Voldemort supposed to be scary when he has an obsession with a teenage boy?

   HER: Oh my god! I lost 2 kilograms! SMARTASS: Great, you finally took off your makeup!

   Don't be selfish with your prayers.

   I've always wondered why they say count to 10 when you're angry, in that 10 seconds, I could knock them out and be calm

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."