Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My drunk neighbor says he was attacked by a big bat last night but I was actually using a golf club.

   Caught me a leprechau! He kept yelling at me, saying he's going to call the cops and sue me....ha, witty little leprechaun I know ur tricks.

   One thing everyone will learn in school: How to text without looking.

   you know you're lazy when you use your toilet as your mop bucket

   Never trust anyone that is nice to you, but rude to the waiter.

   If your not pissing green tomorrow, you're doing today wrong.

   If I were found dead, the CSI's would check my wallet and find no money and assume it was murder and I was robbed. Good luck the investigation, my wallet never has money in it.

   When some girls says, "I'm sexy and I know it" it usually means, "She's slutty and she blows it."

   Studies confirm that caffeine withdrawal (for me) can be fatal (for you).

   I about to start deleting and blocking a whole lot of people who lied about being interesting.

   A boomerang is just a frisbee for douchebags with no friends.

   Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!

   True Fact: The Shamrock Shake at McDonald's taste like leprechaun vomit, and it makes your turd green..........

   Girlfriend pressuring you to have a baby? Set the alarm on her phone to an infant screaming. If that doesn't changer her mind..DUMP HER!

   I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn't even know I was driving.

   A woman drove me to drink, and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

   You can prevent yourself from crying in any other situation by not being such a little b!tch.

   All I ask is that you wait until after St. Patrick's Day if you happen to be planning my intervention.

   George Clooney could have any woman he wanted. Yet he's out fighting for peace in a third world country... What a moron

   That annoying moment when you can't find the long side of the blanket.