Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I someitmes wonder what magical things would've been created had we all put our creativity towards something other than making the internet laugh

   A message in a bottle is just ocean spam. Don't open it.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   Why won't the machines just take over already? I'm tired of doing stuff.

   NOTE TO SELF – Do NOT set your password reminder as “You Should Know This!!”

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   There are 2 kinds of people in this world: those that recognize how diverse people are, and those that think there are only 2 kinds of people

   Spent the day attempting crazy driving stunts because I forgot to read the fine print at the bottom of a car commercial.

   Hates that scary moment when you stare at your 10 yr olds empty bed and think..."Maybe that "I'm running away" speech wasn't an April Fool's joke....

   My bucket list is still half Original Recipe,,, and half Extra Crispy.

   I feel a little better when I remember that Lady Gaga is just as scared of us, as we are of it.

   Lord Almighty, Adele...REALLY ?,, Just burn his house down & get on with your life already.

   for an April Fools joke, I walked into Walmart wearing a see thru mesh wife beater, cut off jeans and no shoes. Turns out 16 other dudes thought of the same joke.

   I'm the kind of guy who tells an angry albino to lighten up

   How big are headphones going to get before we just start to wear helmets with subwoofers inside them?

   Now that I'm older my, "Girl I can go all night" is me pleading my case for the side of the bed closest to the bathroom

   When you have children yourself, you begin to understand what you owe your parents.

   Dad to Mom: "You don't have to make me food today." Mom: "Really?" Dad: "Hell no. Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich. April Fools!"

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   The two most common elements in the world are hydrogen and stupidity.