Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hands don't make the music, the soul does.

   "Wish you were here" - me, thinking about the wine that is in the fridge

   just here to establish my alibi.

   swears that about a third of my life is spent trying to remember why I have entered a room.

   remember people...st patricks day means to wear green clothing....not to drink till you turn green in the face. dont go out drinking too much tonight

   respect whoever allowed women into the military. Girl on period + gun = unstoppable

   When your world is falling apart, when it seems like things can't get any worse, please remember...I don't give a s$it.

   Laughter is not the best medicine...Large amounts of beer, now that's the best medicine!

   They have nothing in their whole imperial arsenal that can break the spirit of one Irishman who doesn't want to be broken. (Bobby Sands)

   Do not put off till tomorrow what can be put off till day-after-tomorrow just as well.

   I am so sick of Irish Stereotypes ....as soon as I finish this pint of Guinness I'm gonna punch someone in the face

   Why is everyone pinching me today?

   If you're not getting laid then bragging about being single and not in a relationship is pretty fckuing pointless.

   I looked at you and all I could see was perfection, you looked at me and in your eyes I was a rejection.

   Lil Wayne engaged, Wiz engaged, Snooki prego & engaged, damn everybody got a ring except Lebron!

   Accidental death from an overdose of laxatives would be... (remove your shades) ...a shi**y way to die.

   I want to join Herbal Magic...because according to the commercial once you join you can share your ideas with upper management.

   I spent an hour explaining how WiFi works to my dad and my dog. The dog gets it.

   If it wasn't for diarrhea,,, I'd have no rhea at all...

   Recent studies show that 1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.