Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   Trouble's brewing at Symphony Hall.. It's the bottom of Beethoven's 9th,,, and the bassists are loaded.

   Dyslexics better do it.

   I'd love to get a hold of Mitt Romney and ask him who does his taxes…

   A furniture for my mother in law's birthday??? Thank you honey... I think coffin just sounds right...

   Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So THAT'S where the clitoris is.

   If I didn't have any kids I would love to be a stay at home Dad.

   Start texting "Let's get naked." to random people, you'll eventually get laid. I promise.

   Ships in bottles are made by retired gynecologists.

   The people in diaper commercials look so confident that I think I'm gonna start wearing one.

   Shaggy is the biggest stoner, you've never seen smoke.

   I went to this new Chinese restaurant today for lunch... it was off the hook, chain, collar and leash!

   Anti Single Ply TP

   For those of you concerned about my upcoming birthday and struggling for ideas as to what to get me this year, I have registered for gifts at the liquor store…

   No thanx, bootleg cologne man. I'll pass. I prefer NOT to smell like Febreze mixed with old hotdog water.

   Does anyone know the name of that rap song where they talk about weed and b!tches?

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.. Now we have like 50 million dumb guys still posting a bad joke over and over

   I really pity whoever is the last man on earth. Most women agree they want nothing to do with that guy.

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...