Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.

   I'd rather look back at my life and say "I can't believe I did that" instead of saying,. "I wish I did that."

   One day The Hunger Games will become reality... AND YOU'LL REGRET NOT READING THE BOOKS...

   Has anyone figured out yet why women love chocolate so much ?

   Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.

   We get MLK Day off but not Good Friday...Dying for a dream trumps dying for our sins!

   Everytime I see "ROFL"... I think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   There's only two ways to start your drive thru order: Hi I'd like to order or Lemme get a uhhh

   When a man tries and fails to open a jar, he has to kill any witnesses

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   My bark and bite are equally ineffectual

   Kids, watch out for Obama supporters! They'll take half your Easter eggs and give it to the kids who were too lazy to hunt for their own.........

   Dear Easter Bunny, no chocolate this year..... just bring me gas!! (not the kind that the boiled eggs give you either)

   Somebody asked me if I sleep in my underwear... I answered Depends... probably not the best answer

   Bad Opening Day for the Red Sox. They lose, even after Ortiz hits a Sac-Fly in the ninth......Heck, I didn't even know flies had sacs.

   I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter. I can't understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911." However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

   There's always that one person who doesn't get it. Don't be that person, no...don't be that person.

   The Boston Red Sox are now offering peanut-free seating for fans with severe allergies... Sox officials said they want to make sure that gagging and choking only occur on the field

   Happy Sorta Sucks to be the Savior Day...Because it is a farcry of a Good Friday fro him.

   Dear Syrian President Bashar Assad: if you are going to use human shields to protect yourself from rebel attacks, may I suggest using Snookie, Justin Bieber and Kardashians?