Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

   ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

   you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now

   I hate how documentaries make me feel guilty for throwing straws into a turtle's egg nest.

   Hey! Who remembers seeing men on tv ripping phone books in half? Hey! Who remembers phone books? Hey! Who remembers men?

   Presidents day is canceled until we get one.

   Hate how my automatic spell checker turns sentences like "I'd be happy to work for you" into "I'd be happy to twerk for you" which would be great if I was looking for a job as a Chippendale dancer.

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.

   Just did my own taxes . I should be in jail by Friday.

   My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

   Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

   Ginger bread man give good sloppy toppy

   I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...

   Marriage tip #1 & #2: Sleeping on the couch with the dog isn't all that bad. It kind of reminds you of camping out.

   Don't Yuck someone else's Yum !

   My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

   Kamala has had more politicians in her than the White House, the Capitol and the Lincoln Memorial combined.

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.