Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ejaculate and evacuate

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   Think my cat might be depressed. She just told me she's thinking about getting a cat.

   If I was a roofer I'd go around saying I'm single and ready to shingle.

   Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?

   Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

   When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be. I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

   My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligees. [Unfortunately,she was just coming home]

   Someone wake up Joe to come see this...

   The Lysol commercial said I should disinfect what I touch the most but I have a feeling that's gonna burn.

   Has anyone tried going back to the ice bucket challenge to fix 2020?

   If I ever choke to death on Gummy Bears, please make sure it goes on record that I was killed by Bears.

   I bought a Joe B¡den watch on QVC. I has liver spotted hands and is running out of time.

   Joe B¡den looks like he smells like pee.

   My wife's face is all black and blue because she didn't listen to me. The last thing I said was "Honey! Watch out for that lamp post!"

   I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now I speak with a strange axe scent.

   Research has revealed a subatomic particle that may actually be shaped like a buffalo. It's been called the Higgs Bison.

   Hate is too powerful an emotion to waste on somebody you don't even like.