Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love finding money in my pockets after a night of drinking. It's like a gift to sober me…from drunk me.

   You know your Twitter timeline is boring when you get unfollowed by a spambot.

   My relationship with my Ex was very psychological...she's psycho and I'm logical.

   I would switch cell-phone providers if one had an "unsend my drunk text" option.

   One of the hardest things in life is trying to plug in your charger in the dark

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !

   noticed something today at a restaurant. the womens restaurant sign is wearing a dress but the handicap sign beside it isnt...is the handicap woman naked?

   So Mark Zuckerberg just bought Instagram for $1billion? Why didn't he just go to the App Store and download it for 99c?

   Yo Instagram, I'mma let you finish, but Polaroid took some of the best pictures of all time.

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that illegal gambling or prostitution?

   Facebook buys Instagram for $1B! A website that makes people better looking. They probably could have bought Smirnoff for half of that.

   Eventually we'll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

   Women + yoga pants = WIN!

   Oh WoW! You've dropped out of school to pursue your dreams? Really? How brave!!!.... Now…I'll have a number 3, no cheese, extra Jalapenos and diet Pepsi to go…

   Ladies: Never die a virgin! Apparently when you get to heaven a virgin you get to be one of the 70 wives of a suicide bomber…

   Richardmooney26 Sucks! ...and that's all I'm going to say.

   Just been added on facebook by a tin of "pork luncheon meat". Reported it as spam

   What do you call a computer that can sing? A dell.

   I call bullsh*t on potholes! There's no weed in there, trust me, I checked.

   I would like to thanks Jesus for a Monday I did not have to experience this week.