Funny Status Messages

   I read about a cloister of monks where you have to be at least 6'5" to join. That's a pretty tall order.

   If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake. – birds

   Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.

   Blowing on the vodka in my coffee cup to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting it's coffee...

   Cops got new drunk driving tests. There’s one they pull out a wallet-size photo of Nancy pelosi & ask you, ‘Is she attractive?’

   I've decided to buy a Dallas Cowboys Covid mask. That way I know I won't catch anything.

   I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.

   they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard

   Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.

   Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Just watch the movie Tenet. It felt like a glorifed Back to the Future. Except with more plot holes.

   I just saw a Ritz Crackers commercial with some frootcake putting on lipstick, then going over his blowboy's house for huggy time. The world is ending.

   A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the beer is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.

   To be or not to be is no longer the question for a man named William Shakespeare who received the first vaccine shot who is to be!

   You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread – the inventor of croutons

   Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

   If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

   everything I know about british people was learned from watching Mr Bean and honestly I’ve seen enough

   My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg My dinner: Haribo