Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear fb now that we are all use to timeline don't you think you should change the format again..?

   Facebook is slowly evolving into Myspace. Remember how you could post pictures and signs on Myspace well that's pretty much all that I see anymore. We all know what happened to Myspace. That's right no one uses it anymore. Just sayin

   I want an app. that tells me if my post sucked,, or my timing did.

   What doesn't kill you makes you have lots of hospital bills.

   Reports say that credit ratings are soon to be abolished for private individuals. All you need these days is a valid receipt from a your local gas station!

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   I think the english language is declining... 1992: I like big butts and I cannot lie. 2006: Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere. 2011: ass ass ass ass ass ass.

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   I'm trying to find a place inside your heart, but it's hard to start a fire without a spark. Can you work with me here!

   Tweakers tend to use Five Hour Energy's dirty cousin, Five Inch Line Energy.

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   It should be against the rules to post anything depressing on Facebook. Shout out to a deceased relative, ok. But no one cares if your goldfish is sick and you hate your life. I dont even care if my goldfish is sick.

   North Korea's Rocket launch was a failure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   ure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.