Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Dont Bring Skittels To A Gun Fight

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.

   F*ck what you heard, f*ck the b!tch you heard it from, f*ck what you think, and f*ck what you saw, and recognize what the f*ck you see.

   I love a good hardy dump in the morning time....I can't stand a tiny turd tease...makes me feel like an underachiever

   Girlfriends are like The History Channel. They always bring up old sh!t.

   To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??

   Just remembering my Saturday morning ...a bowl of trix , watch Super friends and Hong Kong Fuey and then my bike ..OUTSIDE till lunch .. great times

   I'm not a soccer fan,, but if the St. Louis Steamers soccer team ever move to Cleveland,, I'm TOTALLY buying a jersey..

   All of MY posts come straight off of Taco Bell sauce packets.

   I know it's hard to tell,, but Chewbacca actually trims his pubes.

   Umm,, Why does everyone in Cracker Barrel look like the cast of Mama's Family?