Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So I heard Kim Kardashian and Kanye West are dating, Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

   If they play Adele "Set fire to the rain" one more time I'm gonna have too set fire to a radio station..

   Am I the only one thats tired of hear about the whole Treyvon thing? There is other stuff going on in the world. Like did you hear that Kim K. is dating Kanye! OMG!

   last time I checked this was the "funny facebook status website" not the deep and meaningful status website

   I think humans 'marching on the spot' is probably the reason aliens don't bother invading us...

   Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser

   "At least you're not the lady who got her face eaten by the monkey." - My response to anyone who ever complains about anything

   Daytime commercials assume there are a ton of great inventors that watch crappy shows and are super gullible.

   the lower urinal for short people or long people? #clearance

   KONY - really? another villain as excuse to invade a country with enormous oil resources? I wonder if North Korea with the communist dictators level 150 launching nukes to the sea like wish lanterns will ever get attacked...

   Did you know? Its impossible to say “Good Eye Might” without sounding Australian? LIKE if you tried :)

   I was SO excited at work when they told me I was chosen for a random drug test! Turns out you shouldn't ask which ones you get to test.

   I might be having sex tonight. Is there a drink called 5-minute ENERGY ™?

   I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away.... She's inflatable.

   My son just tried to claim that his room is not messy…that it is merely set up in obstacle-like manner to keep him fit.

   Sometimes, we waste too much time to think about someone who doesn't even think about us for a second.

   A few simple tips: 1. Don't promise when you're happy. 2. Don't reply when you're angry. 3. Don't decide when you're sad.

   I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night. He told me to f*ck off and buy my own.

   When I'm bored late at night, I text random numbers saying: “You should really clean under your bed, it's filthy down here. PS: I love you."