Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   I changed my alarm tone to a Justin Bieber song and it works great... Now I wake up early just so I don't have to hear that $hit.

   I'm not going to lie to you. There's a good chance that at some point, I will probably try to do you. That's just how I roll.

   being that they're all middle aged men now with kids of their own, I think now's a good time to change their name to Minivan-Halen.

   David Lee Roth is apparently an old man now, yelling that the air conditioning was too cold in the arena last night, salsa dancing, jazz hands, total cornball.

   What do you call the head of North Korea's failed rocket program ?.......The Deceased....!

   Happy Friday the 13th!! Hockey mask... Check... Machete... Check...

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Friend: "Whats a good movie?" Me: "Snakes on a plane" Friend: "Whats it about?" Me: "Horses... horses on a boat"

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   Dudes that are upset because instagram is now available on Android are prolly the same dudes who pees while sitting down.

   Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”