Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember, nothing you do will be remembered.

   Am I the only way that amuses myself completely by barking at my dogs thru the paper towel tube?

   My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow.... I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.

   shout out to all of the crips that's stopped at a red light right now.

   I love catching up with friends that I haven't seen for a while so that we can all sit around together doing shyt on our phones.

   I have a talent for only attracting people I have no interest in dating.

   The only Happy END that I know it's the weekEND

   You're like a Password. Hard to figure out, but I always want to keep trying.

   Practice being nice, so that when you really need to be....it's not so hard.

   Dear food commercials, Nobody eats in slow motion with their eyes closed. Sincerely, normal people.

   I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught...

   I just heard that Paul McCartney is throwing a fit now that he realizes his new wife spends twice as much on shoes as his last wife....

   Just spilled Whiskey all over my insides!

   Wine gets better with age? Obviously wasn't an alcoholic that figured that out.

   My wife is mad at me just because I didn't open the car door... I guess I just panicked and swam to the surface.

   "New and Improved" ... if it's something new, how are they improving it? I'm calling B.S. on that...

   You can't afford a bar of soap, but Beer,, Cigarettes,, & $700 worth of tattoos is not a problem?.. This is why sometimes I have a hard time feeling bad for most people

   All you need is WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the tape.

   I'm currently killing a twelve pack, and every squirrel within fifty yards of my porch. Love me some Saturdays.

   someone filled my blow-up doll with helium...there goes another woman...**sigh**