Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You like to sleep? Damn me too. Let's do it some time together ;)

   You know your childhood is over when you fall asleep on the couch and wake up on the couch.

   It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, dats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   the best. Blink to agree ( :

   enrolled in nursery school..there were no naps, no crayons and no recess, just trees and plants..what a rip off

   I'm not sure if I actually have free time or there are things I'm forgetting to do.

   Girls don't fart. That sound you hear is actually baby unicorns being released into the world to sprinkle sugar on cookies.

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   At least your tax dollars are helping the secret service get laid.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   I have come to realize that the only reason I eat taco bell is so I can light my own cigarette with my butthole.

   Here's a good one: What's funnier than "I/'m bad...really bad". ....Everything!!!!

   I don't always correct someone's spelling but when I do, I google it first so I don't make an ass of myself.

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Today was really good !!! My ex saw me with my new girl at the mall at lunch , I'm guessing my ex had a huge peanut and jealous sandwich washed down by a nice bottle of "hateraide" !!

   I saw a couple of signs that read "END ROAD WORK". Now I'm all for a good protest, but I just can't get aboard with this one.

   Being dyslexic and online dating can be a big problem. My last date I thought it said nympho maniac. Turns out she was a necro'philic.

   To reality check , sorry for not being up on Buick stock like you ... don't care .. as far as Tiger ..again ..don't care .. You take this crap seriously , don't you .. man , please go get laid !!!

   To the dumb ass that keeps posting stacti from over 3 years ago, Buick does still make cars, and SUVs. What planet are you from? Here's another slap in the face, Tiger won a tourney a few weeks ago.