Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have a button on my microwave that says stop time. I assume its for the timer but I don't touch it just in case.

   Getting a face tattoo in college is like majoring in unemployment.

   Doing my taxes this morning was so frustrating that most of my refund will be heading right back into the swear jar.

   Bored? Call a strange number and tell whoever answers "I'm not paying you to talk!"

   it really too much to ask to have just one animal (dont care what kind) start speaking english to me out of nowhere

   Everyone tells my dog she's a good girl but they haven't done any background checks.

   Forget Beniffer & Brangelina! The new power couple in Hollywood is Peeta & Katniss from The Hunger Games! Or Peeniss for short.

   I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler.

   I wish little plastic airline masks would drop from the ceiling when someone's ass loses cabin pressure.

   Yesssss….neighbor guy, the whole block knows you own a Harley. So, you can stop revving your engine every 1.6 seconds. Or, better yet, while you are stopped at the stop sign. You're cool, we get it.

   My solar powered car coasted to a stop. "What luck!" I spat. The sun had just set. In Vampireville. - (excerpt from my e-book.)

   At Walmart, searching for my intellectual soul mate.

   Cops don't like it when you ask them "Need some help?" especially when you're wearing a Batman costume.

   Considering the odds are about the same, I think it would be nice if we let the people literally "struck by lightning",, be the lottery winners...

   I'm not saying you're an ugly person, but if your picture is on the cigarettes boxes, people will stop smoking

   Miley Cyrus' real name is Destiny??? Know we know why she was so good on that pole at the Kids Choice Awards a couple years ago...

   Now the movie Titanic is available on 3D...Maybe now they'll be able to see the icebergs

   If there is one thing life has taught me, it's humility. In fact, I daresay there is no one on this planet more humble than me.

   My safe word is ..."HARDER FASTER...PLEASE DON'T STOP"

   My imaginary boyfriend just cheated on me