Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   let me be your next instagram

   *Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower. (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   At McDonalds last night the dude gave me the wrong flavored McFlurry. I threw it back at him and screamed back, "You McF*CKED UP!"

   BREAKING: Tupac died again today when a member of his posse tripped over the extension cord.

   President Obama recently released his tax returns. It turns out he made $900,000 less in 2011 then he did in 2010. You know what that means? Even Obama is doing worse under President Obama.

   Handicap people should get a $200 ticket for parking in the regular spots.

   I hate when fat women can't cook... Ummm okay, woman you just fat for no reason?

   Ghetto counting: 1) Wahh. 2) Two. 3) Three. 4) Foe. 5) Fieee. 6) Sih. 7) Selm. 8) Ate. 9) Naa. 10) Teh. 11) Lem. 12) Twehh.

   Oh, you think you're ugly? I believe you spelled attention seeking wh$re wrong.

   F*ck an alarm system. I've seen "Home Alone," I know what to do.

   I love a woman with passionate thoughts, eloquent words, and a beautiful mind...oh, and a nice rack too!

   When I'm bored I like to put on a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks...

   People who wait 4 hours to reply to my text with “lol” should be damn shot.

   Why WOULDN'T you wear a condom when they got that sh!t called "Kids" goin around?

   Girls who are shaped like hot pockets have no business taking full body pictures.

   "You break it, you buy it"... Uh, hell no. I break it, I leave it, and awkwardly walk out...

   Dont Bring Skittels To A Gun Fight

   Don't you hate when people call your name 20 times..... Then end up saying "NEVERMIND"? Nah, you gonna tell me SOMEthing.

   It's stupid when someone texts you first and they never reply after you text them back.