Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?

   No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   Patient ''Tell me if it hurts?'' Dentist ''No it wont. It will just bleed.

   New rule: If you hold the door open for someone and then they just walk by without saying “thanks”, then you're granted one attempt at trying to trip them. >:)

   If you had a sad or lonely childhood you're gonna be REALLY depressed by Bank of America's options for a security question. Unless you remember the name of you're imaginary friend or pet rock.

   Okay, Mitt Romney you are worth 250 million, I have $25.42 in my account. You asking for donations make me question if you really have a grasp on this economics thing you claim to know so much about.

   how did this happen? ----> amish-online-dating.com

   I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

   Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

   Watching these people in this commercial, rock climb, scuba dive & live life to the fullest, kind of makes me wish I had genital herpes.

   I perfected the art of swilling so that nobody could say I have a drinking problem.