Funny Status Messages

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   I think that Biden got confused with picking Mayor Pete as Transportation Secretary. He is a Rhodes Scholar, not a Roads Scholar.

   I still haven’t buttoned my pants back up from Thanksgiving.

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas

   What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   I love snow – People who never shovel

   If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu

   My Sons Teacher: December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to make a Christmas Star

   My daughter was eating a snack cake while her mother gave her a haircut. I said, "You're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She said, "I know, daddy. And I'm gonna get b00bies too!"

   Due to my white privilege I will be donating my Covid vaccine to someone less fortunate.

   Does the ebonics alphabet contain the letter "D"? All I hear is, "My mom an' Dat." "I'm ok, I'm goot." "I like Chevy but I also like Fort."

   Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny.

   “I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole” -Families making Christmas plans in 2020

   My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her. She bought me eye drops.

   Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

   I slept under the Christmas tree once when I was 9 waiting for Santa. And once when I was 35 waiting for the room to stop spinning.