Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Raffling off my $600 stimulus check $20 a spot 50 spots available direct message me if you’re interested

   My New Years resolution for 2021 is to be more assertive if that's okay with you guys?

   Before I get drunk, I wanna wish everyone a happy father's day.

   You know you are getting old when you look forward to going to bed before midnight, instead of staying up after.

   Happy 2021 New Year to all of you who will be staying home in your pajamas eating snacks on New Year's Eve, just like any other year.

   I'm making Hilaria Baldwin's paella recipe for dinner and... Wait a minute. This is clam chowder!

   Still not sure what I am wearing to the living room this New Years Eve

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

   It is amazing how many people have such bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.

   My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Twisted Tea is the new Can of Whoop-ass.

   Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!! Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.

   Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts? Pac-Man: *deep breath*

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.