Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Has somebody tried giving 2020 a Snickers?

   I don't get the lowest common denominator mentality of FB groups. Someone posts something thought provoking and gets no attention. Someone else posts "What's better, a Whopper or a Big Mac?" and they ago berzerk answering.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I guess COVID is now spreading into the fish population. Apparently a bunch of marlins have it.

   Oh baby, I can't wait to get you alone and see what you look like without a mask

   My dog is LAZY. Instead of chasing cars, he just lies on the front porch and writes down the license plate numbers. 🐶

   A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 60 and I still don’t know.

   [2025] Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.

   Welcome to adulthood, if you sleep on the wrong pillow you’ll feel like you got in a motorcycle accident for three days

   Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.

   My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale. I sold their house.

   2020 is every Nic Cage movie, without Nic Cage.

   These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”

   Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right? – Me, bra shopping

   I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

   Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark? Me: party?

   NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

   My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.