Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Okay before you kill me, can I at least pull my underwear out of my crack? A man has to go comfortable.

   Rope: $7.50 Duck Tape: $2.75 Shovel: $12.98 Never having to see that b!tch again: Priceless.

   If you've been married for more than 10 years,, You KNOW that Ken dolls are anatomically correct

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   I was just at my neighbors house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly,,,,,,, they came home.

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Because of Facebook, the only presidential candidate we'll be able to have in 2040 is someone too stupid to know how to use Facebook.

   I have a confession to make... "I want to get back with my ex"...LOL Just Kidding..."I'd rather sh!t in my hands and clap !"..

   Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probally a Jehovah's witness.

   What's happened with "Cover the Night" April 20 (world wide canvassing campaign for KONI 2012) ? I guess Jason Russell going to celebrate 4:20 another way.

   A drunk man speaks what a sober man thinks.

   Somebody just told me "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"..so I asked him "how many apples does it take to keep YOU away?"

   I hope somebody shoots Tupac's hologram!

   No matter how bad thing get in life, I can always cheer myself up by thinkin. I could have the reputation of Michael Jackson.

   One of these days I'm going to show up at this WHO CARES hole-in-the-wall you just "checked in" on 4square & slap your phone out of your hand.

   You call today, "4/20 day". Us in the police world call it, "I'm gonna search the f__ out of your Honda Civic Day"

   It's 4:20 on 4/20! Do you know where your bong is?

   everyone hopes for a happy ending...except inmates

   This is how guccimane face look (8o>-_-)

   I have you on the top of my "to do" list- thought you'd like to know! :)