Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today is National Stalking Awareness Day so I'd like to give you this pamphlet. I'll just wait outside your house.

   If someone you know has a serious gambling problem just bet them they can't get help

   Doomsday Tip: If you're the last person alive & want to read every book in a library but your glasses break, head to the audiobook section.

   Whenever someone tells me & a friend to "get a room," we DO get a room, make tender love & send Mr. or Mrs. Jerkface a thank you note.

   Satisfying your ego is not a easy job, you may get pleasure for a time but loneliness for lifetime

   Art of management- "Let that person to be himself for few minutes and for the next few hours he will react only as you act" :P

   Breaking News!! Ted Nugent To Be Interviewed By The Secret Service Secret Service " Hey Ted, Can I have your autograph?"

   Someone just licked their thumb before handing me a paper. I hope my story inspires other victims to come forward.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni... That folks, is what drugs do to you.

   The Hamburglar burgled HAM. If he stole burgers, he'd be called the Hamburgerburglar.

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   some guys are such sluts I wouldn't even poke them on Facebook.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.