Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't call it a real relationship if you feel single.

   NEWS FLASH: "Before" is spelled B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4...this is English, not Bingo.

   I think it has become obvious that medicine companies have no idea what fruit tastes like.

   Remember: Being awake during a Saturday Morning sunrise is a sign of a good Friday Night.

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   Kids nowadays have it made.... I'd like to see them settle for a gray and white t.v. with rabbit ears and aluminum foil.

   I just went by Lowes to see if they had any grass......That had a whole different meaning when I was 20....just sayin'

   _Dick Clark died? That was rather sudden. I mean, they didn't even have a countdown or anything.

   I rewrote a new ending for my autobiography... This time, I live.

   Has anyone gotten a "your mom" tattoo instead of one that says "mom"?... I can't be the first to think of this can I ?

   Everytime I give blood,,, they asking where I got it..

   Somebody water board me with alcohol!!!

   When you say Jesus backwards it sounds just like "sausage."

   I just named my whiskey "Titanic" because it goes down better with ice.

   We should hang out and stare at our phones.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.