Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   SWAG = (S)omething (W)e (A)ll (G)et tired of hearing

   The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

   Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives.

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   If it's true that we are here on earth to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

   gave my wife plastic surgery. I cut up her credit cards.

   Happy National Surprise Random Drug Test Day!

   My wife says I'm "Immature"... just because I snuck up behind her when she was reading her "Romance" novel and made kissing sounds.....

   If you invite me for dinner and serve ground turkey tacos,, you may as well turn on some Nickleback and wizz in my Fresca too........

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Do you have neighbors?.. Do you have extension cords?..... Are you paying too much for electricity?

   My wife said that my pen!s closely resembles a Tic Tac. She was proud of her remark until I asked her why her sister still has bad breath then.

   Ive recently been wearing my wifes knickers back to front. Let's see if our lodger still gets turned on by secretly sniffing those bad boys!

   Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.

   My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday. She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

   *BREAKING NEWS* The man who recently took Ryanair to court after they misplaced his luggage, has lost his case!

   If “plan A” didn't work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.

   Cops dislike txtn and driving ...Really? This bj and beer should be fine.

   Dude is that Matchbox 20? Turn that up. Said no one ever.

   So let me get this straight, a 747 can carry a space shuttle on its "back", and yet airlines charge for overweight baggage?