Funny Status Messages

   I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

   I switched all the labels on the Spice rack..... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

   You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

   Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

   If you're offended by someone else's tweet, they aren't insensitive, you're just a p*ssy.

   When I die I want why tombstone to offer free wifi so that people will connect to me often

   Queen's Gambit: The only thing more boring than chess, is a series about it.

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: I'll have two McRib sandwiches to go, please.

   I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.

   You may say I'm a dreamer But I'm not the only one......but think the odds of winning the HGTV Dream Home are pretty good.

   My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch....

   Not today, Satan. Wait, what kind of cookies are those?

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   AMAN: Well son...If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to put the milk back into a refrigerator, Then yes, I suggest marriage.

   Algebra is like sex. I didn’t really get it in high school, and I definitely don’t get it now.

   Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?