SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   Geez, how many pigs do I have to kill to get the term "hamicide" to catch on.

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   Man, this wall is high. My back is owie. - Spiderman at 37

   I scrape my knees to feel. - emo kindergartner

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   I just threw a D battery through my neighbor's window because he played 2 Sublime songs in a row.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   Which sounds classier, "dong," or "schlong?" I'm writing a letter to my grandmother.

   Because of Harry Potter a whole generation of boys learned it was good to read. And to master control of one's wand.

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   How do male civil unions not end with the phrase "I dude"?

   You know how most people feel about Hitler or whatever? That's how I am with hazelnut coffee.

   When my 2-year-old announces that she used the potty, everyone's so proud. I seem to get the completely opposite reaction.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.