Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   Coke dealers. Always sticking their business in other people's noses.

   Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

   ..thought it was a good thing adding her parents to Facebook until I posted " is going out for the night!" & mum commented "Good! That means me and your father can have loud sex now!". I'll remember to lock my bedroom door before I go out..

   The police sent me a photo of my car speeding. So I sent them a picture of my cheque.

   All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.

   This little piggy went to market.This little piggy stayed at home.This little piggy had roast beef.This little piggy had none.And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.

   After my divorce, I realised that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.

   A blind Indian girl wanted me to touch her clothes to see how soft they were. I felt sari for her.

   ..is stealing everyone's watches and changing all the clocks at work. "What? 5 o'clock already? See ya!".

   Only Robinson Crusoe had ever everything done by Friday.

   The spaces between your fingers were created so that another's could fill them in.

   Whats the difference between a wife and a prostitute? One's on contract,the other's pay-as-you-go.

   ..is sleeping naked. I just wish that stewardess would go away. I don't care if there are children on this plane!

   Why is it that Volvic Mineral Water, which has been filtered through volcanic rock for millions of years, has a Best Before date?

   BREAKING NEWS: Barack Obama knocked down by reversing car. The American people are asking the driver to come forward.

   A survey taken showed that 50% of people described sex as a "deep,meaningful,soul-bonding act of showing eternal love to your partner". The other 50% were men.

   ..really hates her boss. When I showed up 2 hours late,he shouted at me. I told him I had fallen down the stairs . He said "So? That doesn't take two hours!!"

   Why does David Hasselhoff call himself "The Hoff"? Because he couldn't put up with the hassle.

   ..believes so strongly in reincarnation that she's written a will and left everything to herself..

   Tip of the Day: When greeting your friend Jack at an airport,do not yell "HI,JACK!!". Another tip: prison food is terrible.