Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What to do when you're wrong: a) admit you're wrong, b) make adjustments, c) move along.

   I don't like to think before I speak. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

   In America, we will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   After last night's drunken escapades, I'd think my friends should have had better judgement than to be friends with me.

   My doctor told me to stop drinking today...then he told me to stop laughing.

   Dear MTV, I'm gonna start my own TV network called RealityTV (RTV) and play nothing but music videos.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   1 new message: runs for phone, jumps over sofa, runs a marathon, swims Atlantic ocean, pushes mom out the way. grabs phone...."k" FUUUUUUU!

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   Ladies, show me your duck lips and I'll show you some duct tape.

   It's amazing the places I travel to when I'm talking on the phone.

   I swear people don't know how long the things they say can stay in someone's head.

   Can't say I'm surprised by the Kanye West - Kim Kardashian union, considering they both have egos the size of her ass.

   My favorite yoga pose is the one where I stand upright, watching the class through the window while eating a cheeseburger.

   I'm HAVING A DINNER party tomorrow,how many boxes of cheerios do I need to feed 8 people ..

   So I'm in line at Walgreens,,, The lady ahead of me turns around & whispers to me she has diarrhea. Apparently,, I have a "Tell me if you have diarrhea" face..

   Dear Genitals, Thank you for not bleeding every month. Sincerely, A Man

   I never use turn signals..its nobodies business where I go.

   NFL Draft tonight....can't wait to hear the Jets fans moan about their 1st choice!

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.