Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it's virginity

   I went to an Alcoholics Anonymous class today and introduced myself to 12 other people. When I walked out I was no longer anonymous but was still an alcoholic?

   You can take that thumb, and shove it up your A$$.

   Just ate the last bit of food in my lunch box, this overtime now officially sucks!!!!

   I wasn't sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a f@#king dragon and sh!t myself.

   I'm in a band, you've probably seen our posters. We're called missing cat.

   I think the guy that misspelled "Ghost" actually wanted to write "Goat's soap"

   HoodTranslations101: "I'm chillin tonight bruh" - My current financial situation will not allow me to partake in the festivities tonight.

   This drug sniffing dog was a great investment! He already found 2 bags of weed I thought I had lost!

   I told the monster in my closet that if he came out of the closet he would be gay. Problem solved! #Winning

   #HoodTranslations101: "Sh*t just got real" = The situation has escalated to the highest point of seriousness & is no longer a laughin matter

   Calories: Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter each

   Finally the world sees that Arizona's immigration law is no different from the federal law. It is just that the Feds don't want the law enforced. Bring it on 1.6 billion a yr can be spent on Arizonans instead.

   I told my roommate this morning if my dinner isn't on the table when I get home from work he's gettin the beating of his life. Then I hid the table

   You know you're in America when you can buy replacement cartridges of ink for $29.25, or buy a brand new printer with ink for $39.95.

   Dear ladies, Not trying to impress you or anything, but I make my own sandwiches.

   Black person: Jeans $200, Shirt $100, Shoes $160, pockets.. $0 White Person: Jeans $15, Shirt $20, Shoes $30, pockets $5,000"

   B!tch If you can't fit your tweet into 140 characters, maybe you should shut the hell up.