Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other person's side, and the correct side.

   I lost my watch at a party once.An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party.Infuriated, I immediately went over,punched him in the face and broke his nose.No one does that to a woman,not on my watch

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

   I'd like to cancel my subscription to 2021. I've experienced the 7-Day Free Trial and I'm not interested.

   If I post something that you don’t like, just ignore it like you ignore the corruption of the government.

   Well it was a solid 5 days. Here's to 2022! 🥂

   And just like that, the left support police officers.

   This $600 causing problems already. My cousin drove by here real slow. And I only owe him $8...tf

   Hope all of you who received a book from me for Christmas thoroughly enjoy them! Oh and don't forget they need to be back the library by the 30th.

   I celebrated 4/20 on 1/5 because I know how to reduce fractions.

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing? Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

   Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Looks like Ossoff found those 11,000 votes Trump was looking for...

   Sometimes you have throw away perfectly good printer paper to hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.