Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you can pick your nose, you can pick your friends nose, but you can't wipe your friend on the couch..

   Televison is a chewing gum for the eyes ,,!

   Dear new generation, The Lion King will always be ours, SO BACK OFF B!TCHES. Sincerely, 90s kids.

   It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them,The police call it indecent exposure but whatever....

   turns out the March of Dimes people aren't very fond of dimes...

   Love thy neighbor, just dont get caught .....

   You say potato, I say Rocky Dennison.

   Just once I would like to see an ultimate fighting montage set to Olivia Newton John's song Physical.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   If I had a time machine I'd show Albert Einstein the Internet and ruin everything.

   When you get angry start counting to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that.

   Never trust a homeless guy selling homemade lemonade, just saying.

   A study found that trying on swimsuits made women feel objectified. Having a researcher in the changing room probably didn't help either.

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

   Charles Taylor might very well be guilty of war crimes, but he does make a fine sneaker

   Imperial units should only be used when measuring general levels of rebel scum.

   The woman in front of me in the checkout line wrote an actual check. I assume she then boarded her carriage and returned to her plantation.

   I'm beginning to think Queen Latifah is not actually a queen.

   "My God, they spilled glass shards, tacks and honey on this floor. How will we get it up?" Law & Order: Special Vacuums Unit

   You act like I was drinking alone...but I had the entire Verizon network with me