Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not everyone can go down in history, but if you play your cards right...You can go down on me.

   I'm at the doctor's office & they don't know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I'll wait for the Doctor, these other patients are clueless.

   I use to be nice, nice guys finish last, so I did what any smart person would do; I adjusted....

   I'm 99.9999% sure you're not in love with me, but it's that 0.0001% that gives me hope and keeps me holding on.

   I hate people who can't make up their minds. I love them.

   · you know if she hasn't text ya back half of the the night you know shes taken care of

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard" ?*

   PMS = [P]repare to [M]eet [S]atan.

   The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign langauge is, "I know you guys are talkin sh!t about me."

   "Don't make me Chris Brown you, b!tch"

   I wished my neighbor hated weeds as much as I do....

   Mayweather is a Legend. Its just a shame he practices on his girlfriend and kids.

   Never treat a slut like a girlfriend, let some other dumb guys do that.

   My girlfriend is like my iPad...........I don't have an iPad.

   Today will forever be known as Cinco de Mayweather!

   I would only go to Heaven to break out a couple of friends.

   Hey pistachio with the shell welded shut.. I know you've been hurt before, but I just want to love you... Let me in, Baby....

   Never get behind a car with a Phish bumper sticker at the bank drive thru.. They don't have an account & they're about to run out of gas.

   Funds are low this year, so the Chex Party Mix I'm bringing to the office Birthday party is just birdseed and expired high blood pressure pills.

   Hmmm,,, Where exactly is this Black Forest,, that's teeming with hams?