Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will have my arms get ripped off before making another trip to the car after coming home from the grocery store.

   ever meet someone and want to tell them to go get a bath????........with a toaster???

   Well, I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I am available. I have some mad stalking skills plus references.

   ah tuesday, mondays slightly less ugly sister

   If I were rich I wouldn't be shaking this ketchup bottle so hard

   I was playing fetch with my neighbor's dog but he's too heavy to carry in my teeth and his fur tastes horrible

   They say diamonds are a girl's best friend but I've never seen a girl talk sh!t about a diamond behind its back.

   I really wish I knew why my real parents sent me to Earth without my superpowers.

   I'm sorry I keep calling you and hanging up. I just got this new phone and it's voice activated. So every time I yell dumb ass, it dials you.

   Rihanna shouldn't be in the new movie Battleship. It should be projected on her forehead.

   Ladies. Want to know if you're pretty? If a male cop has ever given you a ticket, then no, you're not.

   The best way to end a conversation is by raising both middle fingers.

   The passing out bit and the snoring is actually part of it, so yeah, a man's org@sm is so much longer than a woman's.

   I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.

   has forgotten which sock goes on which foot

   Face it. Tomboys are the sexiest damn girls you'll EVER see.

   When I say, "That's interesting", don't assume it is, or that you are right or that I even I agree with you; most likely it means I am not really listening...

   I'm not ready to adopt a highway, but a dead end street feels familiar and manageable.

   S-International Sarcasm Society "Like we need your support"

   the amount of times ones mother enters the room whilst one is watching a movie is equally proportional to the amount of times that a "s*x scene" appears in the movie, and so it seems!