Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love a nice dark red with hints of oak and floral overtones. And, it was a double flusher!!

   Happy Star Wars Day!!! Don't let me catch you making out with your sibling.

   I think The Timeline went a bit too far when it posted a photo of me being conceived!!!!!

   roses are red, violets are blue. I have 5 fingers, the middle one is for you..

   Amnesia is the most common side-effect of Rohypnol. Other common side effects include Vomiting,Irritabillity,Dizziness, and getting raped.

   I dont like to flip the bird to anyone espcially first thing in the morning, but being constantly honked at when I CANT go anywhere make's me want to do just that!!!

   If the tables were turned and men could give birth it would be nice to hear Maury say "YOU ARE NOT THE MOTHER"!!!!!!

   "The Avengers" is about 7 "heroes" trying to save the planet. A scary woman, a black guy, a rich guy, a fat nut, a patriotic dude, a guy with a god complex, and one who doesn't belong.... sounds like the Republican Primaries.

   On a ship, Captain Blackmails a girl, “If you dont sleep with me I'll sink the ship” Later, she text her husband, “You must be proud of me, I saved 600 passangers 9 times in 2 days.

   May the 4th be with you for tommorow is the Revenge of the 5th

   going to take count of how many of his "clever" FB minions post the oh-so-original comment of "May the 4th be with you."

   may the 4ththe be with you, for tommorow is the revenge. of the 5yth

   Really? I swear there is just not enough toilet paper to deal with the s*** around here sometimes!

   Need hospital etiquette advice. How long should you wait after they pull the plug to ask if you can use the socket to charge your phone?

   I don't always eat cookies....but when I do, it's in a horrifically violent manner. - Cookie Monster

   I paid a doctor to give me a colonoscopy. If I did that to a dog, they'd throw me in prison.

   It's gotten to the point where I can't get off unless they say "please pull forward to the first window"

   Dog diary: Me and my master played all day long! Cat diary: Day 147 of captivity.

   I have lived through death of Michael Jackson, first black president, Royal Wedding and Osama's death. My life's a fuc?ing history book.

   Accidentally paused a movie with my stomach fat. God is getting catty with his signs.