Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at a bar lasy night where the women were so ugly, it took 50 shades of grey goose to make them look good.

   concentrate on fixing your own heterosexual marriage before you lecture on what's wrong with their relationship

   tanning salons should make tanning funner like a tanning moonbounce called the shake n bake

   I saw a fat lady with a "M.O.B." tattoo on her arm. I asked "money over b*tches?" She said "No, McDonalds over Burger King.

   You're so vain, I'll bet you think this post is about you, don't you? don't you?

   Last night my wife is sipping a glass of wine while sitting with me, she says: I love you so much I don't know how I ever live without you! Me: Is it you talking or is it the wine? Her: It's me talking to the wine!

   If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it's to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......

   They have auto-steer and auto-park on new cars, but I would like to see auto-drivemydrunkass homefromthebar.

   Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"

   Remember when you were young and you liked to blow bubbles? Well, hes back in town and wants you to give him a call...

   That funny moment when someone replies to your tweet, saying you stole it off a website... Call the police then! *strange person alert*

   I must admit, I am a powerful man. I've got more pull than John Travolta at a massage parlor...

   Dear Booze: Just when I think nobody cares, there you are, lubricating the slide to rock bottom. WEEEEEEEEEE!

   Another day....another 0.256832% of a dollar

   Our hearts are drunk with a beauty our eyes could never see.

   anyone else confuse the time with the radio station? sometimes I think I'm running late cause its already 105.9

   You know you are in the ‘hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”

   I'm sorry but women make the best defense attorneys. They never let anyone finish a sentence.

   Ehhhh……. This avocado exfoliating mask tastes nothing like avocado.

   Life isn't about net worth. It's about self worth.